It's so much fun watching people settle into their lives all around me. I have friends who are getting married, having babies and finding careers they love. It's scary knowing i'm reaching the age where this is going to grow more and more common but it makes me happy to think that people are, in a way, settling down and beginning their lives.
It makes me think about where I am and what i've accomplished. I continually have to remind myself I have a college degree that means something, that's five years of hard work and $10,000 worth of student loans. It seems so minuscule and useless compared to what other people are doing with their lives.
At the same time, I look at the here and now. I still live at home with my mom, I still work at Starbucks and i'm still struggling to get by and make my monthly bills. I live in the same house I practically grew up in, in an area i've, in a way, grown accustomed to but have to continually remind myself not to get comfortable and get ready to get up and leave when the opportunity swings my way.
I still have a lot of growing up to do and I feel a lot of things working against me such as time, opportunity and luck. None of these have really been on my side since I finished school. I wanted to spend the first years of being school-free to figure out who I am and I thought I could be content with that, like I could sit back and twiddle my thumbs as I think about life and what I want to do with it. Those who are still in school or are still trying to figure out what they want to do, it's scary as fuck. The world is so friggen big and there are a million things to do which are all possible but it all depends on how badly you want it.
I know it's sort of a broad resolution, but I want to accomplish something by the end of 2010. Whether that's finding a new job in an industry i'm interested in, getting that much closer to finishing my book or moving out and beginning my own life. I want something I could hold in my hands and be like "yeah, I did this. I started with the raw materials, I shaped it, molded it and this is the final product. This is what I did on my own."
As the year starts to close down and we move onto 2010 (scary, eh?), I think about what I want. Yeah, some type of boyfriend or romance that lasts longer than a few weeks would be nice. But right now marriage or the idea of having a child is not at the top of my priority list, nor will it be for quite a while. I still want to find myself, become so excited about something that I can hardly contain it and want to spread my love throughout the world.
I hope in 2010 I can accomplish that.
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mood:  contemplative |
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